Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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