I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
