I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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