I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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