Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
the condom got lost in my hair
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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