Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
how does that bad decision feel?
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
