My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize
