bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Randomize
