When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize