If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
