last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Randomize
