I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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