my vag is so smooth its legendary
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Randomize
