im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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