do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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