just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
