You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
