My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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