I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
