there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
