Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
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