I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
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