Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
