We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
