I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
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