I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Randomize
