Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
