Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
