My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
