i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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