you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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