You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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