We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I don't deserve a penis
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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