im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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