I want to walk on stilts...naked
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
