I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
