That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
i think my mom watched the whole time
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
