i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Randomize
