I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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