My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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