i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
