she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
