I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
