I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Randomize
