remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
