hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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