i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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