I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
