I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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