I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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