I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
