I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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