Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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