I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
