I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Randomize
