Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
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