look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
